this makes me so happy i can barely cry

The term "Emo" is derived from the word "emotional," but has recently come to entail much more than that. It’s not a sensation, but rather a lifestyle. Once an idiom for an underdeveloped subfolder of punk bands that focused on whiny lyrics rather than upbeat on-stage terror, it’s now a label for the kids in the hall that want you to wonder what intricate thoughts they’re thinking - even though you’ll never give a shit. Surely you know the kind I’m talking about. If the definition of Emo is still unclear, that’s because there isn’t one. It’s nothing more than a stereotype, one that I’m willing to elaborate on. If you’re interested in becoming Emo, follow my ten step program:

1. Become oblivious to the fact no one notices you - at all. Your goal is to act like you don’t want to be noticed, when really you’re hoping your style attracts crowds of people who think you’re "mysterious." People think you’re stupid, but you wouldn’t be Emo if you were aware of that. Occasionally, groups will stare at you, keeping hope alive for that "aura of mystification" you’re always trying to obtain. But they probably just have a hefty wager on your sexual preference.

2. School is where the Emo in you comes out for the world to see. In class, be sure to answer questions without raising your hand, using big words and a tone insinuating you are obviously right. While you’re hoping no one realizes your statement had no substance or original thought, the entire class goes on hating you.

3. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Coffee shops are your key to going out and not meeting people.

4. Normal people hold their emotions in during the course of a day, and when they go to bed at night they occasionally cry before falling asleep. But when you’re alone in your room, be sure to lay in bed and have yourself a good laugh. Get it all out, you don’t want that side of you showing in public the next day.

5. Your internet persona is key. You’ll need to acquire a webcam, never looking directly into it or smiling. Make sure the settings on your cam are obnoxiously dark, and no light colors are showing in the background. You’ll also need an AOL Instant Messenger screen name with plenty of X’s in it, such as deathXXbecomesXXhim, X hidden X scars X, or depressedXconfessed. Not all LiveJournal users are Emo, but all Emo kids have LiveJournals. Anonymously log on, and start conveying your plight to the world in a tiny font that makes you seem oh-so-insightful.

6. Don’t let anyone appear as depressed as you. If someone in your class just had a parent die of Cancer, let out obtrusive sighs and wimpering noises as the class’s focus inevitably turns toward offering the kid their support. When it becomes obvious no one notices you, pretend you have Cancer.

7. Everything below your neck better be vintage. T-shirts are obvious, but when the weather gets chilly be sure to have a vintage track jacket on hand. Not too sporty though, you don’t want people to think you participate in heathenish activities such as sports. Same goes with shoes: no brand names worn by jocks. Saucony or old school Converse are as close as you need to get. Another essential: the trendy, over-the-shoulder book bag. This will hold all the books you pretend to read, your I-Book that you don’t even know how to turn on, and the lyric/poetry book you wish you could write in. Who needs Jansport when you can carry a purse? A studded belt wrapped around some diesel jeans should complete the outfit nicely.

8. Everything above your neck needs to be black as night. If you’re Emo, you’re a bottle-black. Don’t do anything extra with your hair; simply mat it down. Extra hair activity indicates fun, which is not what you’re about at all. Boxy, black-rimmed glasses are a must, and a prescription is far from necessary. Some Emo kids even wear contacts under their non-prescription glasses. It’s not about how well you can see; looking insightful is your only vision here. Think Rivers Cuomo from Weezer, except not nearly as cool. Make sure your earrings are gauged plugs, so people can see right through your ear lobes. When asked why you do it, tell the inquisitive minds "The more holes I have in my body (pause for sip of coffee), the easier it is to release my soul when writing in my journal."

9. Carry a lyric/poetry book, whether you intend to write in it or not. This is like your passport into the Emo world. When asked to see it by someone who’s obviously not as deep as you, realize there’s either nothing in it or it all sucks, and respond with "I can’t believe you’d even ask me that, you know this contains the entire essence of my spirit." Then storm off, near tears, and write your emotions in your journal. Become even sadder when you realize, even when plagued with inspiration, you can’t write worth shit.

10. Only listen to music if you’re sure no one has heard of the band. That way you can be the one to introduce all your non-friends to the group, and have a feeling of superiority. Every time you hear the band after that, make sure to tell anyone within earshot that you found the group first. Remain ignorant to the fact everyone wants to kick your ass. If you ever hear a non-Emo listening to your music, instantly sell the corresponding CD so you can buy something that hasn’t reached mainstream status. The key to being an Emo music fan is turning into an uptight little prick when someone tries to steal bands you share a hypothetical bond with. The same goes for concerts - if anyone else in the crowd knows the lyrics and sings along, leave in a flurry of frustration.